double whammy...

the last few days i have been spending time wondering what it is that God is trying to teach me right now. sometimes He is very in-my-face about things, and other times He is more subtle about what is really going on; however, lately i have not felt much of anything and that has worried me. it is funny how i am not content with just being fine. dont get me wrong, i hate drama as much as the next person, but it makes me nervous when i cannot consciously tell what God is doing in my life at a particular moment.

i think today i was given my answer.

for pretty much the past two years God has done some absolutely amazing things in my life. my world has been turned upside-down about 100 times and continues to do so. i have changed so much internally and externally. people who havent seen me during this time, will not recognise me, i am afraid. more specifically- talking about my time in korea- God has been teaching me predominately about patience, faith, love, forgiveness, and acceptance. all things that He is continuing to enlighten me about, but all things that have changed so much of who i truly am.

today i went to two churches. i went to my regular church in the morning and i attended church with a friend in the afternoon. by the time the second service was over, i must admit that i had completely forgotten what my pastor's message was in the morning. after thinking about both messages and looking at notes i took i realised- they were practically the same. i think God was trying to prove a point today.. and that point being the topics of trust and belief.

this morning i was given the question "what do you feel like is impossible for you to do?" or a fill-in-the-blank "i dont think i'll ever be able to _____." we were asked how we would answer those questions. i honestly didnt think of a single thing. probably because i hadnt had my morning coffee yet, but also because i feel like so many things are possible now-a-days. we live in an age of speed, technology, and endless possibilities. more times than not- i also feel because of my time spent in korea that if i can live and work in korea- i can accomplish anything! what struck me though, during this discussion is how trusting in God is really the bigger issue here. when you think about it, we allow so much to hinder us from fully trusting God.. whether that be fear, pride or hurt.. we hold on to these things, we never let them go thus never fully trusting God to do His thing. the pastor said, "God can do anything, you just have to trust Him." and that is so true and something i felt so convicted of today. sure, i may think many things are possible now-a-days, but what about when it comes down to healing? and miracles? and giving up control?

what was ironic was that the message in the afternoon was mostly about belief and how you need to believe in Jesus to truly be saved. you need to have a believing heart to fully be effective in God's Kingdom. and when you talk about something like belief- you have trust right there next to it. it is hard to have one without the other. we learned about Jesus as our High Priest and kind of what His 'job' is. we talked about how we are changed internally, in our hearts, and how Jesus can only work with believing hearts. it made me think about trust and how vital that is. it is hard to believe in something if you do not trust it. same goes the other way. it is really hard to trust something if you do not truly believe in it.

it has caused me to take a step back and truly search my heart. do i trust God? really, truly, 100%? do i have a believing heart? where do i stand in all of this? am i allowing God to use me in whatever way He wants?

all i can say is, i am already seeing how God is working this into tangible things in my life. i feel the difference right now. i am in the midst of being taught a very important lesson. i feel emotional. i feel tired. my mind is going at about one hundred miles a minute. i want to cry. i want to sleep. but through it all- i can only praise Him and thank Him for His many blessings. and most importantly His unfailing, and endless love.