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sabbath.

Today is our Sabbath day at college. We're encouraged to spend our Saturdays as we like and to not do any college related work. Since I've arrived in Oxford, I feel like my Saturdays have been jam-packed with visiting people or having visitors here. It's taken me awhile to really be able to take time out and relax. I am hoping for a more balanced month this month compared to November and December.

As I wrote a few days ago, this week has been a struggle. I would like to say that I am doing better. I've felt lots of grace from others and from God. But I've also discovered that hiding from God is not possible, especially not in this environment. Thursday and Friday were evident of this fact. Especially on Friday, I was sort of asked to really step out of my comfort zone in front of a lot of people. I felt like it was one of the ways God's showing me why I'm here and how no one else in the college could have done what was asked of me. It was encouraging and terrifying all at the same time.

I knew coming into this place and looking forward to this year that it was going to be challenging. I knew that it was going to require me to think outside of the box and to really step out of my comfort zone and step out in faith in big ways. Nothing can really prepare you for any of that. And I've found myself really bitter for how the journey was getting here and how that's continued to affect me and my transition into life in England. It's really made me sit down and question why I'm here and why God worked so hard at getting me here. This week also brought up a lot of issues with my identity and who I am. I wish I could say that I'm all sorted and I'm grounded in who I am, but I'm not. Yet. The coming months WILL change that; I have no doubt in that.

My conclusion for this week is that I need to make a decision. No one is forcing me to be here, no one is forcing me to do anything I don't want to do. I need to decide what I want out of this year. I need to decide if I'm willing to let go and allow Jesus to transform my life or if I want to hide and remain the same. The obvious answer is that I want to change. I didn't come to England to learn theology and not allow that to change me. I want to be transformed. I want to become the person God is wanting me to be. I know there are big things ahead of me. But with all of that said, it's scary. For the first time in my life I'm realizing what it truly means to follow God and live out His Kingdom every day. It's becoming real and it's not easy, but I believe there is no better way.
In the past I've tried to run from God. I've gone my own way. Where did that get me? It caused a lot of hurts and pains. With that said, I wouldn't change any of it, cuz I can look back and see God in the midst of it and that's an encouragement I really hang on to. Plus all of it lead me back to God. So I know that the path I'm on is a good one. I know I'm going the right direction. Sometimes I just need the reminder of that. I think this year is going to continue to challenge me and continue to make me feel like I'm so far beyond my comforts, but I think the end result will be good and exactly as God intended.

Dear friends, you always followed my instructions when I was with you. And now that I am away, it is even more important. Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him. --Philippians 2: 12-13 NLT
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