I've been thinking about writing this post for a while now, but I kept putting it off, because I was afraid to share. But now with a nudging from God and from people asking me about my blog and processing, I think that the time is right...
I would say that 10 years ago my life drastically changed. 10 years ago I was living and studying in South Australia. It was the first time I had traveled alone. It was the first time I had really done anything on my own. And while it was scary to make that decision, to this day, I still think it's one of the best decisions that I ever made.
But talking about studying abroad is not the point of this post. I start there because that one decision and that one experience, I believe, set me in motion for what was to follow. I start there because many of the people I met while studying abroad and during that time of life are still with me today. And I start there because it tends to be my reference point when I look back at life. (Yes, even into my 30's, I still think I'm only 22!)
The point of this post is very similar to the last; a change of heart. I feel like for every twenty-something those years are about transition, change and discovery. And while it looks different for everyone, I think most people would agree that it's fundamental to the road ahead. For me personally, I started off by running away from life and searching the globe for meaning. And along the way, I met God. I wasn't really looking for him and I wasn't entirely sure what to do with him when he met me, but his patience with me through the years has been life-changing.
There are probably hundreds of things that I've learned in this past decade and thousands of ways that I've changed and grown. But the one I wanted to share about today is my journey to motherhood.
First of all, I want to make clear that I'm not a mother and I'm not pregnant.
With that out of the way, I recently realized that this particular part of my journey is one that I have been relatively quiet about. It is definitely one of my 'hidden' parts. Many people who met me 10 years ago met a young woman who never wanted to get married let alone have children. And now that I am married, some of those same people find it surprising that I really want to be a mom.
I realized along the way that there was this part of my heart that was sad and hurting and afraid of being a mother. At first, I didn't think much of it, because many of my friends were single and enjoying life. But as I got older, my friends started to get married and started to have children. And I felt like something was wrong with me for not desiring those things.
How grateful I am for my faith and how God gently started opening my eyes to who he made me to be.
It was a slow journey. It caused me to really look within myself and really study the Bible. I wanted to know what God had to say about who I am, families, mothers and children. At the end of the day, my feelings came down to fear. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of not being perfect. Fear of the unknown. And with the help of prayer and friends, I was able to let go of those fears.
And so I sit here, married, and with the hopes of one day being a mother. For some, they find that shocking. For others, they 'always knew' that I would end up here. For me, I find a lot of peace and joy. I have been blessed with many incredible experiences throughout my life and now, I am enjoying the adventures of marriage and look forward one day being a mom.
I would say that 10 years ago my life drastically changed. 10 years ago I was living and studying in South Australia. It was the first time I had traveled alone. It was the first time I had really done anything on my own. And while it was scary to make that decision, to this day, I still think it's one of the best decisions that I ever made.
But talking about studying abroad is not the point of this post. I start there because that one decision and that one experience, I believe, set me in motion for what was to follow. I start there because many of the people I met while studying abroad and during that time of life are still with me today. And I start there because it tends to be my reference point when I look back at life. (Yes, even into my 30's, I still think I'm only 22!)
The point of this post is very similar to the last; a change of heart. I feel like for every twenty-something those years are about transition, change and discovery. And while it looks different for everyone, I think most people would agree that it's fundamental to the road ahead. For me personally, I started off by running away from life and searching the globe for meaning. And along the way, I met God. I wasn't really looking for him and I wasn't entirely sure what to do with him when he met me, but his patience with me through the years has been life-changing.
There are probably hundreds of things that I've learned in this past decade and thousands of ways that I've changed and grown. But the one I wanted to share about today is my journey to motherhood.
First of all, I want to make clear that I'm not a mother and I'm not pregnant.
With that out of the way, I recently realized that this particular part of my journey is one that I have been relatively quiet about. It is definitely one of my 'hidden' parts. Many people who met me 10 years ago met a young woman who never wanted to get married let alone have children. And now that I am married, some of those same people find it surprising that I really want to be a mom.
I realized along the way that there was this part of my heart that was sad and hurting and afraid of being a mother. At first, I didn't think much of it, because many of my friends were single and enjoying life. But as I got older, my friends started to get married and started to have children. And I felt like something was wrong with me for not desiring those things.
How grateful I am for my faith and how God gently started opening my eyes to who he made me to be.
It was a slow journey. It caused me to really look within myself and really study the Bible. I wanted to know what God had to say about who I am, families, mothers and children. At the end of the day, my feelings came down to fear. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of not being perfect. Fear of the unknown. And with the help of prayer and friends, I was able to let go of those fears.
And so I sit here, married, and with the hopes of one day being a mother. For some, they find that shocking. For others, they 'always knew' that I would end up here. For me, I find a lot of peace and joy. I have been blessed with many incredible experiences throughout my life and now, I am enjoying the adventures of marriage and look forward one day being a mom.
Comments
Love the fact that God is expanding your heart. It has to expand as otherwise there wouldn't be room for Him to fit in.